You wrote to say you wanted out,

At a total loss...

2007-08-31T02:08:05Z

I think my parents just split up.

I have known mom was not happy at the farm for a long time, but it's something that's very hard for me to understand. This is my home, this is the place I love... I can't imagine living anywhere but here. With the work that there is to do here, I guess dad will be staying here and mom going? Not sure... but I'll stay here, whichever way it goes.

Ugh!

2007-08-22T14:24:04Z

Well, I always said I hated working for a big faceless corporation with 300 employees, but I must say I prefer it now, compared to the smaller, more personal spot I am working.

We got hired on at this new place for a decent amount - $10/hr... I don't mind saying that I took a pay cut of $1.70/hr and mom took a pay cut of over $2/hr, but that is what the company offered us. Everyone says "Well, you're saving in travel.", but honestly, that means $160 less in our household every WEEK, and we sure as heck weren't paying $160 in travel each week. Don't get me wrong, I love this job, but we weren't unemployed when we took it, so they had to entice us, and while we are getting less in benefits and less in pay, our mental health is not doing too shabby.

Anyways, I mentioned to this one girl who has been sitting near us for the last few days what we were getting paid. I am quite sure (though my memory feels hazy because I am upset) that she ASKED, or asked a series of questions surrounding it, to get it out of me. She has spent the last three days listening to us talk about our old job and then yesterday, she asked for our names - first and last. She never offered her name. A couple of hours later, both the pod manager and the regional manager want to see us in the main office. I always know I'm in trouble when someone of authority speaks to me. :P

Anyways, according to the manager, no one else in the center is getting paid $10, even those that have been with the company for the year it has been in existence. We weren't supposed to tell anyone what we were getting paid (though I don't remember him specifically asking that, to be honest). It's gone around as gossip and rumor now, that we're making $10/hr when some of the folks who have been around for a year now are only making $9 or so.

They were both upset and had to speak to all 70 folks in the pod because people had their "feelings hurt". Um, hello? Does the fact that we both have short of 8 years experience in call centers between us mean nothing? We were practically trained, all we needed to learn was the system and the material - we know how to talk to customers, how to phrase things to customers, good customer service (which, believe me, I have heard this troublemaker talking to her customers and frankly, I understand why she gets paid what she does!), etc, etc. GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. IT'S CALLED WORK EXPERIENCE AND THAT IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT.

Further, if I found out someone new to the company was making more than I was, I might inquire about a raise to my manager, but I think marching into someone's office and DEMANDING to see another employee's paystub is immature and petty and very tactless and tasteless. On Friday, I'd like to stand right up in our little crowd and say to this girl "Here, why don't I show you my paystub so you don't have to go through the trouble of DEMANDING to see it? And while I'm at it, why don't I show you THREE AND A HALF YEAR'S WORTH of paystubs for doing a very similar job (WHERE I WAS MAKING A FEW HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE)?!". I know that many of the folks there don't have work experience let alone call centre experience - heck, some of them aren't even graduated from high school!

I forgot that I would be dealing with small town gossips that don't have anything better to do than feel upset over someone more qualified for their job getting more money than them. I mean, I completely understand how you could be upset, but to actually FABRICATE something out of it is just ridiculous in my books.

Anyways, I cried up a storm in the manager's office, upset about causing trouble for him and the regional manager, and then I got FURIOUS. I never really felt like I fit in there anyways, no one has been welcoming except the managerial staff and our training class -- and now I know WHY! It is seriously disgusting to me that there are people there who have been friendly and chatty with me to my face but have been saying horrible things about me behind my back!

This reminds me why I would rather just work with animals all day, everyday, and never have to deal with humans at all!

Under my um-ber-ella..

2007-08-04T01:34:31Z

Today was my very last day as an agent for Avis Budget Group.

I feel FREE.

I also feel scared. This new job is interesting and shaky, the company is not as well established and I am only slightly terrified about learning new things. I am taking a pay cut and I am now faced with a lot of time on my hands to work on my novel, the prospect of finishing which is also scary. I am sure I will feel better Tuesday when I start the new job, but aaaagh.

The Bronwyn Story

2007-07-16T18:06:40Z

What's that? Some of you have seen a beautiful (if not undernourished) black mare appear in my Facebook photo albums? That would be my Bronwyn... recently acquired impulse purchase. For those who don't know me on message boards where I have spread the news far and wide, she is a 2 year old percheron/something cross, who's dam originated from a PMU farm out west and arrived here pregnant with Wyn. She was impregnated (not sure if it was accidental or intentional but there ARE "morning after" shots for horses, so if it was accidental, it's horrific that she was allowed to carry) at the tender yearling stage in life and lost her foal this spring. She was very underweight when the fellow we acquired her from this weekend got her and has put on some weight but could stand to gain another 150-200lbs in my humble opinion.

THE GIRL IS WILD. She isn't broke to lead and has had very little human interaction.... but with a little bit of TLC, this girl is gonna shine...

She makes my heart flutter. :-D I consider this a sort of indirect "rescue" - she is precisely the opposite of every quality I was looking for in my recently activated horse search.... but you can't help who you fall in love with.

When you get desperate...

2007-07-12T16:02:57Z

You cry at work.

That's right. I had an off-the-wall caller who didn't have any problem with me specifically but was one of those "I'm going to scream my head off about how I'm not paying my bill and you can't interrupt me to transfer me to the correct department" witches and after I SHOUTED AT HER to calm her down and TRANSFERRED HER to the correct department, I spent the next hour bawling my eyes out.

I am so tired of being mistreated by my clients, mistreated by my management, and dealing with people who seem to think I am nothing more than a robotic voice (which I am not, thankyouverymuch) on the other end of the line. I have been DEPRESSED, I have been STRESSED - my relationships with my friends, family and fur family have been very terse and suffering as a result of being in the same stale job for far too long... the last few weeks have been very bad - we've been very busy, and my brain just shuts off at about 8am every morning, it takes about 12 hours to come back and by the time my brain is in good working order, I am ready for bed (sometimes my brain isn't and as a result I don't get any sleep!).

I took a day off "for my mental health" yesterday, because it was to the point where I wanted to jump out of my bedroom window instead of going to work but it's obvious that it just makes things worse to give myself any kind of break. It's amazing that I manage to still be GOOD at my job despite it giving me so much trouble. I just wish I had other options right now - I wish an LOA was an option but I'm afraid I can't afford to take ANY time unpaid off.

In the meantime, I am searching for jobs where I can get the same amount of pay but a lot more respect from the clients I interact with. I applied for an Administrative Assistant job with the government (long shot, I know), Office Clerk for the NB Association of Optometrists, and also as a receptionist for the Research & Productivity Council.... and now I am a bundle of nerves waiting for responses.

I got off on the wrong foot with the NBAO.... for some reason (even though I am sure I triple checked), my resume never attached to the email I sent and so I got an email advising me this morning that it hadn't. They either were impressed by the smasher of a cover letter I wrote (thanks to Dominica), just plain felt sorry for me or hadn't had enough applicants. I guess time will tell. Ugh, I hate waiting, and it's only going to make things worse if I don't at least get an interview out of this. I am a smart, articulate woman, who has a lot to contribute - I just need people to meet me in person to realize how suited I am for the job.

Hello, my name is Amanda and I am a doofus.

2007-07-05T02:06:46Z

So I spent most of the day feeling stupid today....

I stalled the car twice on the way to work (scary), and bawled my eyes out to a country song on the way.

I went last week to look at a car and the guy was really friendly (like, wanted to know what I was doing on the weekend friendly, though in retrospect I realize that was his JOB), and when mom called (pretending to be me) yesterday, she said he was very chatty, interested in how my trip had been, etc, so I thought I would be cool and suave and shoot him off an email today confessing that it hadn't been me and telling him about my weekend. Response was not so cool and suave. Definitely read more into that than I should have..

Just getting darn sick and tired of ... well, a lot of things.

I also showed up for work 1.5 hours earlier than I was supposed to, logged in to work like I usually do, and didn't realize until 10:45 (the time I was SUPPOSED to start work at) that I wasn't supposed to work until 10:45, so worked me a 10 hour day today... I sure hope I get paid for it.

I am SO SCATTERBRAINED! Does anyone have any suggestions for anti scatterbrained medication or something? I know there are memory enhancing supplements out there you can get but this is becoming a serious problem, I am sure that Resources is ready to can my butt for being such a forgetful stupidtard.

Crown Princess of the Stick!!

2007-06-18T01:55:29Z

About a week ago, we acquired a 5 speed Subaru. Unfortunately, I think our Escort Wagon is gone the way of the Etzel, which is pretty much heartbreaking because I loved that car. Something wrong with the wiring, I guess. Anyways.... my only experience with manual transmission was on my father's old farm truck before I got my license, when I just had my permit. The shifter was loose and there was a lot of space to wander around before finally locking into a gear. As a result, it was impossible for me to drive it anywhere without grinding gears, dropping the transmission out of it (lol), jerking forward, stalling, rolling backwards about a mile, etc.

I asked dad to show me how to drive the car... I know the general logistics, but putting them into practice is something else entirely, apparantly. I had a really hard time with the exact amount of decrease in pressure on the clutch vs increase of pressure on the gas without dropping the clutch and jerking forward/stalling. Finally, Friday, I got in the car and practiced starting and stopping in the driveway... then Shay and I went on a little spin around the block and I got better.... I have driven it a handful of times this weekend and as it goes, I am getting better and better. A new skill to add to my repetoire!!!

I was feeling pretty down Friday. The feeling subsided for most of the weekend as I got busy making a huge (or what felt like!) Chinese meal on Saturday afternoon for Sarah, Lisa, Amy, Shay and I's once monthly dinner-and-a-movie night, designed to make sure we see each other at LEAST once a month with all of our busy schedules!! I made Asparagus Chicken with Black Bean Sauce and Hong Kong Fried Rice Cakes and stir fried veggies... big hit!! Unfortunately, Sarah can't get the hang of chopsticks (which I brought along for the novelty, lol)... darn that lefthandedness!!! We finished off the night with frozen Oreo souffle thingies that the girls made, planning for our upcoming trip to PEI (Canada Day weekend), and watching Lady In The Water. There is something about spending time with all of the girls (yes, little sisters included!) that is good for my soul, I think.

Today, I managed to acquire a pretty heft sunburn on my shoulders, accompanied by a couple of horsefly bites, so I have to resist the urge to scratch the ginormous bites because it hurts my burn too much. I watched Invincible, went with dad to the store and met a 2nd cousin I've never met before, got shavings, ran some miscellaneous errands... went to visit Nicole and got caught up to watch Epic Movie and eat nachos, and then be there when Aadon's dad dropped him off. Poor Rex got mostly neglected this weekend but mom seems to have made it up to him by building him a brand spanking new royal blue mesh sleazy hood. We're leaving it on for a couple of days to see how long it takes for him to destroy it. :-D

And tomorrow back to work. Ugh. :(

Joanne stopped by for a bit of a visit on Friday, that was a bright spot... other than that, it has been ridiculously busy... I haven't written a thing on my novel in what feels like a million years... going to try and get some work done this week. We shall see how that turns out!!

Man.. what a beautiful day.

2007-05-21T19:17:36Z

I feel so out of sorts, it's really bothering me. One second I feel fine, the next I feel nauseous. One second I am weepy eyed and ick, and the next I am so dry eyed it feels like sand gritting around in my eye sockets. I'm too cold and then I'm too hot. One second I feel DOWN, very lethargic and out of it and the next I am jumpy and nervous and out of control. It's not good.

Alain says I need to go out and get some fresh air. I know what I really need - some good pony snuggles.

My cactus killed my aloe vera plant and now I want to kill it!

2007-05-02T15:04:52Z

My ever present sense of unproductive busyness has increased tenfold this week as mom and I prepare our wares for the Equine Review in Sussex this weekend. Mom is taking Happy Horse Hoods and I am debuting Bucking Horse Designs at the event, which should see close to 3000 horse lovers pass through it this weekend. I had been previously crazy busy with non consequential things but this week I am struggling to put together my design book (check), and the rest of my promotional material (not check). I also have to travel to Maine at some point before Friday and pick up the stock I ordered in. Add to that a bundle of nerves in my stomach and I am about as useless as legs on a snake this week. Add to that that I have a yearling colt that needs work and a four year old filly that I haven't ridden in close to a month, plus two or three other horses I am dying to put work on, and I am spent - and haven't even started yet!

I know one thing, I can't wait to start living my life back on my OWN schedule again soon! The last couple of mornings I have had to get up early to run errands for other members of my family (dentist for Shay yesterday, machine delivery for dad this morning), which I don't mind because I'm not selfish, but I am just mowed over and this weekend is not going to get any better.

Speaking of machine delivery.... my dad has been put on a CPAP machine because he stops breathing an average of five times per hour - not permanently stopping breathing, obviously, but he'll skip a few breaths or whatever, so he's been put on a machine to regulate his breathing and is doing some testing pending the review of his Class 1E license for sleep apnea. Basically what all that garble means is that every night he straps on a mask to help him breathe and he just finished his second round of testing to see if the CPAP machine has helped.

So I had to venture up Main/Union this morning to try and return it "BEFORE NOON!" as was written on a note on the machine.... that place is like a war zone during rush hour.... it's not even the South side of the city! I swear my little red station wagon had a big sign on it that said "PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME, I DON'T MIND" because I definitely slammed on my brakes more times than I should have had to. I also ended up mostly tailgating the people in front of me so that no one pulled out in front of me, and prayed that no one would pull out in front of them. Crazy crazy place. It was a nice ride along the river though - it's very high, but I have always liked that stretch of road (down Main/Union out toward Jemseg and the Princess Margaret Bridge), it's a nice drive, the road is solid and well maintained and the river scape is really nice. Unfortunately, since I was having my daily stress/heart attack because of crazy drivers, I didn't get to enjoy it too terribly much.

And that is pretty much everything of great consequence that I have to write about. Sad, huh?

Yay for long weekends!

2007-04-26T17:20:03Z

Well, not for everyone, but things have come full term since sleeping through my shift bid at work (also thinking it was a vacation bid), and getting sucky shifts at work, and I am NOW finally back to the schedule I've had for the last two years or so - Monday-Friday, 0900-1745, weekends OFF. This means that maybe, just maybe, I'll get more done on the weekends that I was complaining about just last entry. I don't know why I think it will.

But anyways, since my new shifts are effective Saturday, I still get the Friday part of THIS schedule off, plus Saturday and Sunday, so I get the three days. :-D The weather has been so nice that if I DON'T get anything done with the horses this weekend, I am just going to have to quit and go on Unemployment in order to have time to work with them. Sick.

Work is making me just crazy today. I don't even want to think about it. All I know is it's a darn good thing I have a long weekend up and I hope I can make it the next four hours without blowing a freakin' gasket here.

Hopefully I can also connect with Sarah sometime this weekend. I never see that girl enough. :(

I love cowboys!

2007-04-23T13:14:14Z

My weekends seem like they go by way too fast. Same way with my money!

Usually my weekends end up like this - Friday: wake up at stupid o'clock and drive 45 minutes to the feedmill (sometimes we stop for breakfast and that's nice too), and SOMEHOW, we end up wandering around until mid afternoon.... and by stupid o'clock, I actually mean stupid o'clock for regular people, not like.. mid afternoon. Saturday: Hand load a half ton's bed (plus sideboards) full of sawdust, and then proceed to clean stalls.

I don't resent the work even a little bit, it just makes my weekend go by SO fast, it kinda sucks.

I digress!!

So this weekend, we picked up my screenprinted tee samples for the shirts I am planning on selling at the Equine Review on May 5-6. They turned out GREAT! I am so excited, though the sizing runs a bit big. I paid $3 extra to get an 2XL for myself when really I didn't need it, sooooo... that's also good news, though Shay's shirt washed today and I definitely think it shrunk, and they're supposed to be preshrunk... but it seems to have tightened up the fabric a little bit and made it more 'solid' of a shirt. That is good.

I couldn't help myself, so I had to try my "I Love Cowboys" shirt out and wear it around and it was recieved pretty well. Got a couple of laughs and lots of smiles and a couple of compliments, which makes me excited. Now I just have to put money on my credit card today and get the stock that I am selling at the Review ordered and cross my fingers and twist my mouth just right that they get here on time, and then work on my promotional stuff... including a website (ack in two weeks!) and some printed off stuff and figure out how my ordering is going to go.

No time for anything else!!

Though I do have a new trash novel idea, that I have been allowing to float around in my mind for some time, so I am hoping I get some time in the next little bit to at least sketch out the outline so I don't forget it by the time I have time to actually write it!!!

And on Friday night I had a horrible dream that Sarah married some guy that I didn't like, and I knew she didn't like him deep down inside either, but her family was happy so she was going to marry him. I am pretty sure his name was Jeremy. It was freaking me out...

Saturday I went to her house for our monthly get together thing (our moms go too!) but she wasn't there, was staying in town. I can't wait until she moves home, maybe we'll see each other more then!! And she still hasn't replied to my email to assure me that she's not marrying a guy I hate!

She falls apart, by herself...

2007-04-03T14:31:06Z

Literally. The knee thing is getting worse as time goes on and I think I am just going to have to go to the doctor - even though I know she'll say "You need to lose more weight." - WELL GUESS WHAT - I would have been on the bike/treadmill this week if I thought my knee could handle it but it's all creaky and ouch. It literally feels like it's bone on bone in there when I bend it at more than a 35 degree angle. I hope I don't have to have a stupid biopsy on it or anything.

In the grand scheme of the weight loss thing, well, I went off on a tangent and didn't weigh/care what was going on for about three or four weeks and finally got a chance to weigh myself yesterday (Monday) and I've only gained 5 pounds. With summer coming, I am ever hopeful. I do have to get out of the mind frame of "only" gaining a little bit, because I think that's going to tend me towards saying "I've ONLY gained 30 pounds!" Haha.

As for everything else in life, it has been okay. I have been crazy busy as it is and decided about a week ago to dust off the manuscript for the novel I was writing for Nanowrimo last year and try to polish it up, "dumb it down" (it is a trashy romance novel afterall!) and then maybe submit it to Harlequin or something else. If some of the junk-food-for-my-brain I've been reading lately can get published, surely Jillian and Holden's story can. The big problem is that it's not GOOD enough to be a legitamite novel, but it's TOO good to be "just" a romance. Gah. I'll have to see if I can wiggle some of my connected fingers and find some connections who can give it a once over and see what they think.

I am ever desperate to find a get rich quick scheme. Hee.

And the romance thing is fine now. I think. Nonetheless, I did consider scouring Alberta singles online... especially since I have been working on my cowboy romance, I am like "Dude... I need a cowboy!"... I guess we'll see what my adventures garner this summer. :-D

Dad is talking like he's going to go out West within the next couple of weeks so I will pretty much be on my own running the farm, which will be interesting and fun and all those fun things.... I'm actually kind of excited to be able to take over the reins.

So you like it... so you like it..

2007-03-05T13:52:04Z

I would just like to say that our house is not built for people who are as tall as me. About once a week, I come down the stairs and hit my head, usually first thing in the morning. Also, there's a buildup of snow outside of our barn door on which I also banged my head. It's a wonder I can function at all!

I'm getting pretty excited because today is exactly one week til I head out to Minnneapolis, and then come back outta Chicago, and spend most of the week in Wisconsin, checking out a university campus (that I have always secretly wanted to go to but really can't afford), a YMCA camp where I might want to work, the JELLY BELLY factory, an indoor water park, but most importantly of all, spending time with my Fuzz. I also have a brand new camera armed with a 2GB memory card which is going to be filled to the maxx when I get out of there... I am actually starting to worry about the amount of photos I am going to be able to fit on the camera vs the amount of photos I am going to want to take, so hoping we'll be able to go to a Walmart, if we need to, to buy a new memory card, hehe.

Anyways, I'm really excited - I haven't been on a "trip" (like on a plane trip!) since England, so it's time for me to get outta Dodge again round about now. :)

And that's about all I have to report, except that my hair smells delightful and it looks nice today so ... yay, a pat on the back for me. I am really digging this new 'do. I do need to get some pictures of it straight to show off.

They are night zombies!! They are neighbors!! Ahhhhh!!

2007-03-02T16:11:23Z

Oh my good lord in heaven. I had the BEST time last night at Al's and then at The Capital. I told Danielle it was like I had found "my people" - probably a place where I could be in no matter what frame of mind. Great bar, great people. GREAT MUSIC! :)

Aw, I just had a good time and I can't describe it. Haha. Going to have to put some pictures up on Facebook from various spots in the evening.

You find your way back down, and I'll keep the area clear...

2007-02-25T14:02:58Z

So I've gone and cut all my hair off. Literally put it in a ponytail and chopped it off above that. I hope there's enough left to donate to Locks of Love. I was going to wait til I had a solid 12", but I took Shay to get her hair cut and got flipping through the magazines and if I was ever going to go this short, I knew it had to be on impulse, because I am so darn good at talking myself out of things. Like... boys, for example, and... self confidence, as well. But this new haircut is sassy and playful and I like to think that that's the kind of person it is going to make me instead of angry and sullen like I have been for the last little while.

We picked up our new camera that mom bought with her bonus from work on Thursday and have been playing with it. It takes killer video - it's an amazing camera and we got a great price on it. It's the Canon Powershot S3 IS, and I am in LOVE with it. I am still figuring out how to use it - it also comes with a couple of filters and lenses which I have been trying out and feeling all professional about. I've taken some horse photos and some photos from a cultural dance event thing that I went to last night and there are a lot of bad ones but there are some good ones too - and considering that I don't really know how to use the camera... I think I've done quite well. I haven't had a chance to upload anything yet, but hopefully am going to tackle the issue of not much memory on my computer + installation of the program to take pics off of the camera when I get home from work tonight.

So yes, I did go to a cultural dance thing last night - it was called Dance Around The World, and I went with Sar, Lisa, and Amy - as well as their friend Brandy and we saw another of their friends, Hannah, in some of the Irish dancing (there was a LOT of Irish dancing!). Kyle was also there, and he came and had a chat with me, which was nice because I don't think I've seen him since summertime, which is sad... but I guess I am just taking part in a different sort of life than him and the rest of my friends in that general direction... which happens, I guess.

We saw a Chinese Dragon Dance, salsa, Scottish Highland, country, and Irish dancing, "regular" dancing, and some other interesting stuff. What I found the most interesting was the Maliseet drumming trio, and then two of them danced. I have always thought that kind of dancing was so neat, and I got some video and a couple of good shots, I hope, as well as a video of the singing, which I have always found really cool. I think that Native American dancing of any sort (hoops, etc) is really kind of inspirational. Anyone and everyone can take Irish or Scottish dancing and learn how to do it, whether you're Irish or Scottish or not, but you don't see very many non Native Americans doing any sort of dancing like that. And it's such a blatant thing, like you really can't disguise it as something else, you need to be proud of your heritage to take part, and I thought that that was pretty neat. Also bought some earrings from the Global Marketplace from a Spanish lady. They're an awfully lovely color of blue.

And that's pretty much it - I'm stuck at work and that's no fun, but I'll get over it soon, I am sure.

Bah!

2007-02-19T20:05:58Z

So I went to see a silly romance chick flick last night after work (Because I Said So), and now I am all wanting to feel loved up.

Since my attempts to hire someone to cuddle with me haven't worked, I thought I could make it less tedious by offering $2 per hug. It has to be a good one though, a good bearhug type that lasts for longer than a second. Alain, don't you think for a second that you're going to get paid for your hugs because a) of your sympathy card circa the end of August and b) we're both not sick, and we said we would hug when we're not sick! Hangover doesn't count!

Something else really weird is that a couple of weeks ago when I was stuffing mailboxes at work, I saw a mailbox with the name of a guy I went to summer camp with when I went to my first co-ed camp - so I was somewhere between the ages of 10 and 12. It's weird that I remember - he was my first love of tuque wearing, shaggy haired guys (also guys with his same name - Tristan)... and THEN what's even weirder is that I hadn't seen him before at the centre, and then all of a sudden in the last couple of days, I have seen him (or who I am sure is him!) several times. He's very cute now. :) Ahhh, finally some eye candy at work. Yeehaw.

Also... I had something else to say and now I forget.

Oh yeah, I broke my pop drinking fast (which lasted less than 48 hours) at the theatre last night with a litre of Diet Coke. :( I'm bad!

Again and Again..

2007-02-18T22:19:58Z

So I have decided to give up Diet Pepsi, because I definitely don't drink enough water when I've been drinking Diet Pepsi, and I think therein (and also staying up horrifically late to work on my dot com) lies my problem with continuing to lose weight, which I have not been doing. Nor have I been gaining weight, but the lack of loss bothers me. Now I KNOW what I can do when I put my mind to it, so I must continue to plug along.

For those of you who are even remotely horsey, I thought I would point out a new journal that I have been keeping since I started riding Ari. wewillliveagain.livejournal.com (because I can't seem to get it right!) is meant to be a collection of thoughts and updates for me to be able to look back on when I've healed and stopped grieving (will I ever?!) and see how much I've grown. Mostly just interesting horsey tidbits that the average non horsey reader might not be interested in... and since I have SO much to write (rolls eyes) and SO much interestingness (rolls again!), I didn't want to clutter this journal up with... stuff... that is not of great importance. So voila... a new journal is born.

I am STRESSED out..

2007-02-17T15:55:42Z

It's because I let my hopes get all high and then I let myself get worked up... and agh.

I don't think I've had that same kind of good, solid, laying on your bed facedown and actually sobbing out loud cry since Angel died back in August. I have teared up and sniffled a little, but nothing like laying in bed, crying my eyes out.

Why was I crying you ask?

I have a stinking feeling I will never hear back from Cavalia.

I am worried I won't be able to buy my ticket to Wisconsin before the flight prices go up to $49580495824590285.

I am sure that Rachel Ray will come back HYPP N/H and I won't be able to buy her.

My father somehow convinced someone to land a $33k tractor in our yard this morning that he's convinced he will buy.

AIR CANADA won't reserve flights unless you pay for them in full IMMEDIATELY, and I can't get more money on my credit card until Monday. AND FURTHERMORE, if you buy them now, and something happens and you can't go on your flight or you want to change your mind, it is NON REFUNDABLE. So if, for example, I get a call to go to oh.. say.. BELGIUM in two weeks (not that I truly believe that will ever happen), I have to cancel my flights, and they charge someone else and get paid DOUBLE for that seat. How is THAT fair?

I hate, hate, HATE dealing with Air Canada but since they're the only air providor in the area, and usually the cheapest (I fail to see how it's "cheap", but I digress), I am pretty much obligated.

I feel so bad. I don't want to let ANYONE down, but I feel like I am grasping at straws here.

A lot of people worry because I have these huge crying fits for no apparant reason - but things snowball and I really honestly feel better after a good cry. I do feel better. Still stressed out but more.. empty.. like the tension has leaked out of me, which is good.

What if you spent today concentrating on feeling better?

2007-02-07T15:52:06Z

Unfortunately, Shay has handed me a virus that I can't seem to shake. Stuffy nose, sore throat, cloudy head, very congested through my chest - I can feel how heavy my lungs feel when I breathe. Pretty miserable. I have been braving work for the last three days as best I could but today I could hardly talk and was up several times in the night so I decided I am going to take today off, sleep a lot, take some meds, drink some tea, and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

I am trying to find some journaling prompts... because I'd like to start writing something worthwhile, so am going to do a bit of stirring up on the web and see what I can scare up and hopefully it won't be too boring for my small readership. :)

I can't be held responsible - she fell in love in the first place...

2007-02-02T13:09:10Z

Ahhhh Friday. The only problem with THIS Friday is that this weekend my new shifts start and so I will only have Saturday off and then am back to work bright and early Sunday morning. It makes me want to stab myself, I hate these shifts so badly. But I won't stab myself. No, I'll smile and take the shifts and do them because I need the money and because, eventually, someday, I would like to be financially unobligated to this place - so I'll keep working to keep making money to pay all my bills and eventually I will get to choose a job because I like the job, not because it pays well.

Ah well.

So I'm still alive, just so ya know.

Amen, I'm alive.. I'm alive, singin' amen, I'm alive...

2007-01-30T13:49:27Z

If everyone cared, and nobody cried - if everyone loved and nobody lied. If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, then we'd see the day when nobody died.

I dreamt of Angel last night. This is the second time in the nearly six months that she's been gone. I can't believe it's been nearly half a year. This time, her spirit (or what I think was her spirit but was actually quite solid and present, no ghostlike aparition) was residing in her stall (which is now occupied by sheep as I can't stand to have any other horses in there), and wouldn't leave. It was heartwrenching because I knew that she could not stay - she was not ready to cross over but she could not stay. I led her out of her stall and let her graze on the front lawn and I could remember exactly how her slick coat felt under my hands. I am sure that I cried in my sleep, because my eyes felt full of sand and I had dried tears in the corners of my eyes when I woke up. Mom also told me that she could not get Angel off her mind last night before she went to bed - we did not consult about that last night, in fact my last thought before I went to bed was not of Angel, but of Seamus (who I dreamt about later in the dream), so I find it strange that Angel "came" to both of us last night. I am almost desperate enough to have the dream translated - to actually pay someone to translate it for me.

Needless to say, I am not comfortable this morning. I feel very off kilter.

Dad roused me out of bed about a half hour early telling me that our one mare that is due this year, probably not until the end of March is waxed and basically ready - 'all systems are go' - to foal, which would not be good if she is not, indeed due until the end of March. We lost our records, or maybe they never existed - and so no one is sure WHEN she is actually SUPPOSED to foal. This has us on edge. I got out of bed and cleaned and bedded down a stall for her to stay in while we're at work. I cleaned Rex's stall for her, and was very pensive. When I was done, I went outside and found Ari. She seems to know when I need her, and she came over and put her mouth against my neck and blew warm air out of her nostrils on my windburnt cheeks while I cried a little bit. I hate feeling like this, but I love knowing I have a comfort. She tried to follow me back into the barn, but I assured her I would be okay and headed to work.

I am ultimately in a better mood, as I always seem to be when I go to the barn before work.

I feel GOOD!

2007-01-25T13:18:45Z

Well, except for being exhausted. Last night I made the mistake of doing cardio and free weights while I was watching American Idol and then I was wide awake, tossing and turning all frigging night. Did NOT sleep well at all, so I am pooped this morning but I feel good about the exercise. :)

As he faced the sun, he cast no shadow...

2007-01-23T13:53:20Z

You know I realized last night that I might have lost the horse of a lifetime, but I got two really great consolation prizes. Dad tried to insist that I would have other 'horses of a lifetime', but I'm not sure. Angel opened a lot of doors for me - both in my world and in my heart, and I am starting to be able to look back fondly instead of looking back in serious pain.

The resident senior DJ from Boom! emailed me thanking me for a review I put on virtualtourist.com (which is like my favorite place, I am researching Wisconsin right now!).

I've decided I am going to go to Milkwaukee, WI in March for a week to visit Fuzz. She's come here, and she's coming back again in May so I figure I'll return the favor and head out there. I've been keeping a close eye on airfare and I want to just buy my ticket now but I have to wait til I get my bonus from work - I wanted to get a tattoo with that money but maybe I'll be able to get a tattoo AND a plane ticket. That would be the bomb.

I think I am down four pounds this week. I still haven't hit the mark I did before Angel died :(, but I am working on it. The reason I say I *think* I am down four pounds is because we are in the Avis centre now, and they have a different scale, which is not only my old scale, but is also not digital, so who knows. I think I might sneak over to the Budget side and weigh myself there on my lunch break, even though it still won't be right because I'll be about a litre of water heavier than usual. It's all good.

I wish I had something interesting to update about! BLARGH! My life is so boring!

I kind of miss the person I used to be...

2007-01-20T04:14:49Z

That person longed, yearned, pined, and was silent. This new person can't seem to find someone to attach herself to. My newfound independance is scary but cool at the same time. I have been looking through some old diary entries from over a year ago, and boy howdy. Who would have thought the people that I have in my life now and had then would be the same? Ever the same, actually - constant and steady, and as much as they can infuriate me some days, I am so thankful for them. You know, I'm not even sure that the people I am thankful for are thankful for me, but it doesn't matter to me anymore.

I had me some chinese buffet in Maine on Thursday night and I am scared now that I'm sick because of it. I did eat some fishy shrimpy type stuff... a lot of the buffet was sketchy and now I'm scared I'm going to be up all night with food poisoning or something stupid like that. Wouldn't I have been sick earlier?

AND, because I never tire of this little meme thingie, EVER.... for your enjoyment...

IN MY PANTS...

Put your media player on shuffle -- Add "in my pants" to the title of every song on your mp3 player/media player/iPod for twenty songs.

1. Clean In My Pants (Incubus)
2. I Feel So In My Pants (Boxcar Racer)
3. Big Sur In My Pants (The Thrills)
4. Wounded In My Pants (Third Eye Blind)
5. Frail In My Pants (Jars of Clay)

... my pants aren't doing very well are they, strengthwise?

6. In This World In My Pants (Moby)
7. Just A Little Bit In My Pants (50 Cent)
8. Iris In My Pants (GooGoo Dolls)
9. Mandy In My Pants (Westlife)
10. Orange Sky In My Pants (Alexi Murdoch)
11. I Want You In My Pants (Third Eye Blind)
12. Jolene In My Pants (Dolly Parton)

... lots of girls in my pants, I swear I'm straight!

13. Jerk It Out In My Pants (Caesars) Heeee.
14. The Thunder Rolls In My Pants (Garth Brooks)
15. Workout Plan In My Pants (Kanye West)
16. Push In My Pants (Matchbox 20)
17. Annie In My Pants (Our Lady Peace)
18. Overjoyed In My Pants (Jars of Clay)
19. Forget About Me In My Pants (Boxcar Racer)
20. Falls Apart In My Pants (Sugar Ray)

Compared to a year ago...

1. The Bastard In My Pants (The Tragically Hip)
2. Watch The World In My Pants (Boxcar Racer)
3. It Is Well With My Soul In My Pants (Jars of Clay)
4. Sexy Ways In My Pants (Trini Jacobs and Kevin Little)
5. Crawling In My Pants (Linkin Park)
6. I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You In My Pants (Colin Hay)
7. Get The Funk Out In My Pants (Extreme)
8. Whats Going On In My Pants (4 Non Blondes)
9. Grace Too In My Pants (The Tragically Hip)
10. Almost In My Pants (Sarah Harmer)
11. The Christmas Song In My Pants (The Raveonettes)
12. Sunny Side Of The Street In My Pants (Face to Face)
13. Needful Hands In My Pants (Jars of Clay)
14. Sometimes In My Pants (Reach The Sky)
15. Porcelain In My Pants (Moby)
16. Every Morning In My Pants (Sugar Ray)
17. Can I Walk By In My Pants (Jazze Pha ft. Monica)
18. Round Here In My Pants (50 Cent)
19. A Whisper In My Pants (Coldplay)
20. Wicked Game In My Pants (Chris Isaak)

Good night to all, I am going to bed... IN MY PANTS!

:)

I'm in a terrific mood, the best place for me in a mood like this is BED!

Your smile is like a breath of spring, your voice is soft like summer rain..

2007-01-02T13:43:27Z

And I cannot compete with you, Jolene.

So I figured things out. For a while I thought I was developing a social phobia but I realized it's just that I don't feel good about myself, my body right now. I felt better when I had just lost 10 pounds than I do now that I have lost 31. I guess this bad feeling is going to last until I get to my goal weight.

He talks about you in his sleep and there's nothing I can do to keep from crying when he calls your name, Jolene.